Is an Uncontested Divorce Right for You?

If you and your spouse have already agreed on:

• How to split up your home and other real estate
• How to divide your retirement assets and business interests
• How to divide your debts
• How you will make decisions for your children, and how you will resolve disagreements in making these decisions
• With whom will the children maintain primary residence
• The parenting schedule during the school year, summers, school breaks and holidays
• The amount and duration of child support and spousal support
• Who will claim the Children on his/her tax return
• What type of additional expenses you will share for the Children and how responsibility for these expenses will be divided
• Who will maintain health insurance for the children, will there be health insurance for each of you?
• you may be able to obtain an Uncontested Divorce.

The Process

To begin an Uncontested Divorce, one spouse is designated the Plaintiff and the other the Defendant.  Usually the Plaintiff completes and files most of the paperwork. Click here to read more.

Deficient New York Legislation – Same-Sex Marriage

                                 “It is difficult to make our material condition better by the best law, 
                                                  but it is easy enough to ruin it by bad laws.” 
                                                              – Theodore Roosevelt

Sometimes new laws are made for the best of reasons, and yet they end up being flawed. Often legislation is passed in a great rush, and it unfortunately has unexpected or unintended consequences. Here is a case in point.

New York State did a wonderful thing 3 years ago when it passed The Marriage Equality Act, which allowed same-sex marriages to take place. The new statute not only applied to New York State residents, but permitted couples from other states to come to New York in order to marry. As a result, many same-sex couples from states where same-sex marriage was not allowed took advantage of this statute and were married in New York. The State of New York welcomed them, collected their filing fees and tourist dollars, and received a lot of kudos from the media. All is wonderful, right?

Click here to read more.

Determining Where to File for Divorce in the 21st Century World of Mobile Families

                   
                   “Not all those who wander are lost.” – J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

In the world of mobile families, complex international marriages and overburdened courts, would a New York court accept a divorce case, filed by the husband, an Irish resident, British passport holder and citizen of the European Union against the wife, a U.S. citizen who prefers to reside in Ireland? Apparently, the answer is yes.

In a recent Putnam County Supreme court case, Mr. S. filed for divorce in New York and his wife opposed it, claiming that New York State had no jurisdiction to end the parties’ marriage. Under New York State law, when you commence an action for divorce, the first thing that needs to happen is that the court needs to verify that there is jurisdiction.

Click here to read more.

On Undiagnosed Mental Illness and Mediation

“The best way out is always through.”

– Robert Frost

What is mental illness? What is mental instability? Scientists and mental health professionals have grappled with questions concerning the human mind for centuries. From artfully crafted screening questions to wires transferring electrodes to images, we live in a society that tries to unravel why some people act in unfathomable ways. Sometimes we feel we are closer to an answer. But the inevitable anomaly continually sets us back.

In the setting of divorce, we are concerned with identifying an environment that offers an optimal space for a child to flourish. In a litigated process, our system attempts to investigate these environments through forensic evaluations, court ordered investigations into home environments of the parents, supervised visits and other compartmentalized vehicles. One person visits the home of a parent who assumes a requisite, cavalier smile for an afternoon. Another person explores the home of a parent who is absent, balancing two jobs and in no position to tidy. A third person interviews a young child who enthusiastically chatters about the parent who provides more sweets and fewer boundaries. Each of these individuals files a report with the court. Attorneys, equipped only with brief anecdotes told in confidence by their clients and often skewed summaries of opposing party’s positions, advocate for their clients to the best of their abilities. A judge evaluates to the best of his or her ability based on what is presented in court. No one thinks about the gaps that will never be filled.

There is little opportunity in a courtroom to observe the engagement between divorcing spouses without the filter of their attorneys, coaching them on what words to use and how to temporarily temper their habits by polishing the virtual or real image they present to the world at large. There is little opportunity to emote, to communicate freely, to problem-solve constructively and collectively. And there is certainly little opportunity to flag whether an individual is concerned with love of a child, or an unsavory obsession with simply winning a game.

It is true that mediation may not be a feasible process for every couple. It is true that a minimal amount of willingness on both sides is imperative to participating effectively. However, mediation is still one of the few forms of dispute resolution in which certain critical human elements can be brought to light. Click here to read more

Mediating Secondary Education in NYC

By Lara Traum (mediator with the Law Firm and Mediation Practice of Alla Roytberg, P.C.)

“He who opens a school door, closes a prison.”
― Victor Hugo

In a city of unique academic options and restrictions, parental decision-making is perhaps the single most significant force that determines a child’s educational path. Unlike the idyllic American dream that depicts a wholesome Brady bunch in a balanced local high school, successfully stumbling through a system of well meaning and artful instructors, the school system in New York City is varied, inconsistent, competitive, and without guarantee.

Just as some kindergarteners spend their afternoons with tutors, preparing for admission into elite elementary school programs, many of New York’s seventh graders spend their summers indoors, drilling for the gamble of the specialized high school’s admissions test. As competition becomes more fierce and programs become more rigorous, more and more parents are finding it necessary to adjust their children’s educational plan. Click here to read more.

Housing Issues For Families – Part 1

The Co-op

April 10, 2013

“A cooperative apartment is an apartment in a building owned and managed by a corporation in which shares are sold, entitling the shareholders to occupy individual units in the building.” – A Definition from Merriam-Webster Dictionary

Very often, one of the most critical disputes a family may have revolves around housing. Where will the children reside? Who stays in the marital home? Do they own or rent? If the parties own their home, it may be a condominium, a cooperative apartment (co-op) or a house. How should one structure a delayed sale, exclusive occupancy or a buyout if a family unit is restructured?

While in other states a co-op is not such a common phenomenon, in New York State, and especially in New York City, a co-op presents a frequent form of ownership for many people. Most pre-war buildings in Manhattan are co-ops and so are many in Queens, Brooklyn and other boroughs. When you own a co-op, you don’t actually own real property. There is no deed, like in a house or a condominium. Instead, your form of ownership consists of a stock certificate that represents the number of shares allocated to your unit by the cooperative corporation, i.e. the building. The co-op has a Board of officers and members. These people make a lot of decisions. If you want to sell your co-op, your purchaser will have to complete an application for Board approval. The Board can approve or deny this application if it believes that the buyer is not financially secure, or, for any other reason at all under the “business judgment rule”.  Click here to read more. 

Which Court Do You Go To With a Family Dispute in New York? Part 2

Part 2: The Limited Resources Divorce

As I explained in my last blog,  a  family where one party is just seeking custody, can go to Family Court.  If a person just seeks child support or spousal support, he or she can go to Family Court. If,  however, a party is asking for a divorce, that party must file an action for divorce in a Supreme Court. If  he or she needs a judge to help divide pensions, assets or liabilities, he or she must file in the Supreme Court as well.

TO READ MORE PLEASE CLICK HERE

New York Becomes a "No Fault" Divorce State

“Common sense is the knack of seeing things as they are,
and doing things as they ought to be done.” – C.E. Stowe

Finally, after decades of resistance, New York decided to join the other 49 states and offer a “no-fault” divorce option to those couples who want to simply part ways without having to accuse each other of some type of wrongdoing. It took many, many years to get to this point. Every time there would be a proposed bill to add the “no fault” provision to the law it would be defeated because of the resistance from different types of concerned groups and lobbying efforts. Finally this year, it did pass.

What does “no fault” mean? Before, in order to divorce in New York State you needed to come up with a “fault” ground, which means that one spouse had to accuse the other of something. If you had a couple where both sides were in agreement that they wanted to divorce right away, there was no option such as “irreconcilable differences”, which has existed for decades in other states. The only way couples in New York could divorce without being forced to accuse one another was to execute a separation agreement and then wait a year. They could then assert “living pursuant to the terms of the separation agreement for a year” as a ground for divorce. The new “No Fault” ground allows parties to submit divorce documents to court right away without having to wait a year or having one side accept the blame for wrongdoing.

Why the resistance to “no fault”? Historically, some religious groups resisted it because of their concern that if getting divorced became “too easy” people would not try to make an effort to stay together.

The other groups that were against it were those having to do with domestic violence. These groups advocated for victims of domestic violence, both men and women, though statistically women were more often the victims. The primary concern was that if the husbands had the opportunity to get out of a wrongdoing reason for divorce, they would be able to file very quickly, and then use the spouse’s fear to cheat them out of a claim of financial support or equitable distribution of marital assets. For decades there was resistance based on that, but in recent years, some of the members of the organizations that fight domestic violence, came to realize that the abusers tended to be pretty successful in manipulating the court systems even with the wrongdoing grounds, so that wasn’t really helping the victims.

Thus, finally, as of October 12, 2010 you can get a “No Fault” divorce in New York if, according to either party, the marriage has broken down irretrievably and has been broken down irretrievably for at least six months. This doesn’t mean that the couple has to be actually separated for the six months; they just have to state that the marriage was completely broken down for the past 6 months. Now one side can unilaterally allege that the marriage is irretrievably broken and submit a claim for divorce on the basis of this new ground.

This legislative breakthrough did not come without strings attached, however, and there are many strings. The new law only really helps remove the grounds as an issue in a contested divorce, but couples still have to resolve all of the other issues having to do with the children, with child support, with spousal maintenance, and with division of property. Unless all of these are resolved, they cannot get the divorce. If they cannot reach an agreement on all matters, the issues of custody, child support, spousal support and division of property will still go through the court process, but at least the issue of grounds will not.

All families are "Broken" and then "Blended"

"Marriage customs bring together two people from different lineages and place them under a common roof. By definition, marriage is a joining of unlike elements. Even when the bond is strong, a seam both connects and divides husband, wife and the web of in-laws they bring to the table. A couple’s biological offspring really are a blend, but the rest of the family is patched together."  - Ellen Lupton, "In Praise of the Broken Home", New York Times, August 2, 2010

     Imagine, that in addition to joining the "unlike elements" under a common roof and then blending the family through the birth of several children, this blended family now emigrates to the United States from a country like India, Uzbekistan or Japan and settles in the County of Queens, City and State of New York.

     To complicate matters, the older husband has a hard time mastering the language and his younger wife is able to go to school, get a job and succeed financially.  "Over there" he was an important man, who provided for his family, but "over here" life is different.  As his wife works and becomes more independent, he begins to feel worthless, while his children become Americanized and "disrespectful."  Sounds familiar?

     Unfortunately, such is the plight of many families with strong traditional ties who "uproot" themselves and move to a new country.  The rift between parents and children and husbands and wives widens and the extended family members seem unable to comprehend that sometimes adjustments must be made. "In the old country people did not divorce, the husband managed the money and the wife managed the household.  The children knew 'their place' ".

     One can only imagine the complexity of emotional and cultural issues that such a family must experience if the couple faces a divorce or a separation.   However, divorces happen more and more often and have become a regular fact of life in such courts as Queens County Supreme Court in New York City.  Queens County is the most multi-cultural county in New York State. It brings together and "blends" hundreds of nationalities into a flavorful stew of small neighborhoods, which usually peacefully interact with each other. However, when the family dispute overtakes them, many members of the extended family find fault with the national original of the other party: " I told him not to marry a girl from ____ city, they don't make good wives".. While everyone is looking for a unique reason why a divorce is inevitable, in reality it is often the unfortunate consequence of too much "breaking" and not enough "blending" in a family of recent immigrants.

      In any event, it is imperative to find a culturally sensitive solution for the separating couple and their family, - the type of a solution that would work as they struggle to preserve their national identity and, at the same time, adjust to their new American way of life in a positive way.

On Transformation of a Stressful Marriage into a Separation with Friendship

"Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth
until the hour of separation." - Kahlil Gibran

In a July 30 New York Times Article, entitled "The Un-Divorced", Pamela Paul discusses a phenomenon of long term separation as the alternative of choice to a divorce for a growing number of American couples of all ages. Often, decision to remain legally married is financial - one spouse's eligibility for the other's social security benefits or health insurance may be extinguished by a divorce.

However, for some couples, a long term separation replaces the irritable hostility of daily life with a distant friendship between two people who still care deeply about each other, but simply are unable to co-exist under the same roof. People may remain happily separated for decades until a death or a new old-fashioned romance prompts them to "legally" turn the page and move on.

For those of you who find themselves personally relating to this, please note, that it is absolutely imperative for separated couples to have a legally enforceable separation agreement. Although, by signing such an agreement, you remain eligible for each other's health and other benefits, you can definitively protect yourselves and each other against disasters, that may intervene and are outside of your or your spouse's control. If one of you becomes ill and the insurance is insufficient to cover the bills, the other spouse and his/her assets can be tapped to cover the ailing spouses medical bills. In a Separation Agreement, you can specify that each of you is responsible for his/her own debts and liabilities. You can waive rights to each other's estates, to each other's assets, homes, cars and valuables.

The money spent on a mediator to negotiate and then on lawyers to review and finalize the Separation Agreement is minimal in comparison to the financial exposure each of you would avoid in the future.

Thoughts on Anne Barnard's 02-04-09 New York Times Article "2 Doctors, a Custody Battle and an Execution-Style Killing"

"Those who hate most fervently must have once loved deeply;
those who want to deny the world must have once embraced
what they now set on fire.” --- Kurt Tucholsky"

More than a year ago, lives of people in the peaceful community of Forest Hills, in which I live and practice family law and divorce mediation have been turned upside down. Allegiances are firmly split. You MUST either hate the mother’s family or the father’s family in the glorious tradition of Montagues v. Capulets, Malakovs v. Borukhovs. A father’s life is lost. A mother is on trial for murder. A childhood destroyed.

This horrible drama has defined the dynamics of family disputes in the Bukharian community for the past year and may continue to do so for years to come. As the stories will continue to pour out of newspaper headlines during the next few weeks I invite you to explore the course of the escalation of the Malakov/Borukhova family conflict from a separation to a murder.

Did these parents know that they could choose alternative dispute resolution before coming to court? Did their attorney/judge or anyone who addressed them at the start of litigation, educate them about the existence of divorce mediation? In a close-knit community, consisting primarily of Jewish immigrants from Uzbekistan, the extended family’s role in advising the young and raising grandchildren is critical. Shouldn’t extended families be educated about how family mediation can help resolve custody disputes?

CHOICE OF PROCESS IF YOU SEPARATE OR DIVORCE IN NEW YORK

"Litigation… merely continues conflict and offends nature
it does not heal." – Confucius

How many of your friends, clients and family members are going through an acrimonious divorce and need help? Our court system is based on adversarial principles. However, when spouses are going through a divorce they, as people, are often vulnerable, emotional and irrational. While they are in that state their judgment is often impaired, and yet they must make some of the most important personal and financial decisions of their life.

When parties separate, they must first address their immediate needs. How will the mortgage be paid while we are deciding what to do with the house? Who will pay the bills and take care of the children? In a traditional litigation, the immediate needs of the parties are often addressed by motion when the action of divorce is filed. The structure of the court process necessarily reshapes the spouses into “adversaries” and escalates hostility between them. If the mother, Jane seeks temporary custody, her lawyer will often paint her as a saint and demonize the father, Tom. If Jane needs temporary financial support, her counsel may exaggerate both her financial difficulties and Tom's income. In response, Tom's attorney may argue that Jane does not spend enough time with the children and that Tom's income is really minimal. What do you think happens when Jane and Tom read each other’s affidavits?

As a matrimonial attorney who has seen her share of nasty divorce cases, I can tell you that the last place where parents and children, who undergo the emotional trauma of divorce should end up is in court. Our litigation system forces one partner to take a "position" against the other. Sometimes, it even forces children to choose between parents or to abide by a choice made for them by a total stranger.

It is unfortunate that many people are not told by their lawyers that there are other alternatives to a litigated divorce. Some states actually require lawyers to inform their clients about it, but in New York we are not yet "that advanced". After all, we don't even have a real "no fault divorce" yet, either.
However, there are other excellent options for divorcing and separating partners in New York State, such as divorce mediation and collaborative divorce. To learn more click here:
http://www.goodlawfirm.com/

If you have any questions and/or comments about divorce mediation and collaborative divorce please post them here.